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You Make The Noise Go Away

Title: You Make The Noise Go Away
Author: GwenCarmichael
Pairing: Frank/Gerard
Rating: R
Word Count: 2484
Beta:  cinnamoretti 
mcr_bingo prompt: Person—Jamia
Disclaimer: In the words of Gru from Despicable Me… "Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental." 
Summary: Frank helps Gerard with his withdrawal needs.
Author's Note: The Gerard/Lyn-Z timeline has been altered to fit this fic. 

You Make The Noise Go Away

Gerard was losing his mind. He'd seen enough TV and movies that he knew withdrawal wasn't going to be easy. The media didn't do a horrible job; they showed the depression, the short temper, the anxiety, the cravings. What they didn't talk about was the constant itch, the feeling just beneath his skin of crawling and burning, the pounding in his veins, the million-mile-an-hour speedway in his head. If he was going to keep still, he had to really focus and lose himself in something or else his body would crawl out of itself.

He was trying so hard and doing so well. He was proud of himself, more in control and more conscious than he'd been for years.

He was just dying for the itch to go away.

The band noticed. How could they not? Mikey went with him on coffee runs; Bob joined him on smoke breaks. Ray scoured the Internet for movies, comics, and general nerdiness for Gerard to focus on, and Frank… Frank was always there, always with him.

It made sense then that Frank saw what was happening and realized what it meant before anyone else.

Gerard hit his head against the wall and bit down harder on his hand, struggling to keep silent and to keep his hips still and not choke Gabi. She was a road PA with pretty eyes and cool sleeves, and she managed to steal them time whenever she could get away.

Sometimes Gerard felt bad about using her like this, but Gabi always assured him that she understood and it was fine. She did understand, as much as anyone could, and God, she was good.

She sucked him through his aftershocks, then dealt with the condom as he sagged against the wall mindlessly. This was it, the break he so desperately needed. Just for a few minutes, his mind was quiet and his blood was still; Gerard was in complete control.

When he could breathe again, he unzipped Gabi's jeans and stuck his hand in her panties to return the favor.

It wasn't too long before the guys noticed. Gerard was on a first-name basis with half the tour crew, and his disappearances were too frequent to be explained away unless he had some serious bowel problems.

The guys knew what was going on, to some extent, but they didn't do anything about it. Gerard's sex life was his own business, and unless it began to negatively affect him or the band, it was none of their business.

When Frank saw Gerard and one of the male guitar techs disappear together after a soundcheck, he followed. Just before they disappeared into a storage closet, he called out, drawing them up short. "I've got this." He met the guitar tech's eyes until he shrugged and backed off, then took Gerard's elbow and guided him into the closet.

"Frankie? What is it? What's going on?" He tried to hide the fact that he was already half-hard in anticipation of the man Frank had just dismissed.

"I know what's going on, Gee."

Gerard just shook his head.

"Gerard, I know."

"No, Frankie, you don't know. I'm fighting so hard, but my mind is always spinning and my blood is always racing and sometimes I just need to be able to breathe, just for a minute."

"I don't want you doing this anymore."

Gerard's eyes widened. "No, Frankie, listen. No one's getting hurt, not me, not the crew. We're safe. And for a couple minutes, when it all gets to be too much, they let me breathe. Please, Frankie. Please understand. Please don't ask me to stop."

"I want you to stop—"

"Please, Frankie," Gerard whined, nearly begging.

"I want you to stop fucking the crew. I want it to be me." Frankie watched, waiting, while Gerard processed what he was saying.

"I… I don't understand." Frank wanted to fuck him?

"I don't want you hooking up with random people just because you need to. I want you to be with someone who understands, someone who cares about you, someone who's got your back. I'm all of those things."

Gerard's eyes were wide and uncertain, and Frank stepped closer, pressing them together.

"Whenever you need, I want you to let me know, and I'll take care of you."

"I need, Frankie, I need." Gerard was almost begging.

Frank nuzzled at Gerard's neck, hoping to calm him down a little. "Okay. Okay, Gee. I've got you." Frank slid to his knees. "Will a blowjob work?"

Gerard actually whimpered, nodding his head furiously and gripping the stage piece behind him.

Frank tugged Gerard's pants down and ghosted ink stained fingers over Gerard's hardening length. "You clean?"

Gerard nodded, eyes closed.

"Gerard?"

"Yeah. Yes, I'm clean."

"You sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure. I swear."

Frank went down on him in one smooth motion, bracing one hand on his hip, and Gerard couldn't hold back his cry. Shoving his free hand into his pants, Frank got them off together.

When Gerard came back down, he reached for Frank, who shook his head. Gerard frowned. "I always reciprocate."

"No need. I did it myself." Frank smiled at him and kissed his temple. "C'mon. Let’s get out of here."

Things were awkward at the hotel that night—on Gerard's end, at least. He sat on the edge of his bed, picking at the threads of his jeans and listening to Frank shower. He still wasn't quite sure what had happened or what it meant for them, but was too embarrassed to ask.

When Frank came out of the bathroom, water dripping down his bare chest and disappearing beneath the waistband of his pajama pants, Gerard had to catch himself and look away. Frank flopped down on his bed.

"It's okay to look, you know."

Gerard blushed red. "No, it’s not."

"Sure, it is. I look at you guys all the time. It's not wrong to appreciate a good view."

Gerard's eyes widened. "You do?"

"Sure." Because Gerard looked like he needed reassurance, Frank rolled onto his side and propped himself on one arm to look at him properly. "Mikey has this line over his hipbones where the sun gets to that little strip of skin where his shirts never meet his jeans. Screw Ray's mouth, have you seen his hands? Those things are huge. Crazy talented fingers. Makes a guy wonder what else he's good at."

He had to ask, even if it was just to hear Frank say that there was nothing attractive about him. "What about me?"

Frank grinned. "You, Gerard Way, have three freckles right above the crack of your ass."

Gerard blinked in surprise then smiled, ridiculously pleased Frank not only noticed, but remembered something so intimate and insignificant.

"See? Unless I’m a complete freak—"

"You are."

"It's completely normal."

Gerard's smile faded into the silence stretching between them. "What are you doing, Frankie?"

Frank didn't make a joke or shrug it off, just met Gerard's eyes. "I'm helping you, Gee."

Gerard shook his head. "Do you understand what you're getting into, Frankie? What if I need you forever?"

"I hope you need me forever."

Gerard gave him a look. "Like that, always. But like this? Do you know what you're asking for? Do you know what you're letting me do to you?"

Frank cocked an eyebrow. "It's not exactly a chore to let you fuck me, Gee."

Gerard's eyes widened. "You—you’d let me fuck you?"

Frank shrugged. "Well, yeah. It's not exactly a chore, like I said. Only if you want to, that is."

"I do," Gerard said quickly. "I like to top. I like to bottom, too; I'm versatile. It's fun to switch it up sometimes."

Frank grinned. "I feel you, Gee. Some days, I'm in the mood to fuck someone, but others, nothing does it like getting my brains fucked out."

Gerard's mouth actually opened in surprise. He had never known about this side of Frank, never guessed it even existed. "You—before, you've… with guys?"

"Well, yeah. You didn't think I was born knowing how to blow someone like that, did you?"

Gerard didn't know what to think. "Still, Frankie. What if… what if I do something?"

Frank sighed. "Gerard, I am—in no meaning of the word—a virgin. Okay? So don't worry about being my first or scarring me for life or anything. You're in this to clear you're head; it's gonna be vanilla." He paused. "Right?"

"Yes, absolutely," Gerard answered quickly, and Frank smiled. "Frankie, what about us?"

Frank fixed him with a steady look before answering. "Gerard, I love you and I respect you. I am never going to think any less of you for wanting to be able to take a breather the only way you know how. Are you going to think I'm a slut or treat me like an object?"

"God, no!" Gerard's eyes widened in horror and alarm. "Never, Frankie. Never. I'm so grateful to you for doing this; I could never think…"

Frank smiled. "See? No worries. Everything's going to be fine."



Everything was fine. Frank was there for Gerard whenever he needed, always there to clear his head. He even let Gerard blow him when he just needed to focus—though he did have to repeatedly assure Gerard that it was more than welcome. Frank figured that Gerard was the only person on the planet who would ever thank him for receiving a blowjob.

At first, there was a lot of sex. Even for Frank, who enjoyed frequent sex of any kind, it was a lot. As time stretched on though, it began to taper down as Gerard was able to manage the urges and control his body.

As the months stretched on, Frank was always there whenever Gerard needed him. When the stress of touring got to him, Frank was there to help him catch his breath. When he freaked out while recording at The Paramour, when Mikey had his breakdown, when the darkness of The Black Parade finally hit home—Frank was always unwavering and unyielding, the line Gerard depended on to keep himself from flying away.

Frank and Jamia were forever beautiful in Gerard's eyes, and not just because Jamia was okay with Frank and Gerard's arrangement. Gerard had never seen Frank so happy, so calm, so sure as he was with Jamia, and Gerard was more than happy for them.

Then Frank decided he was going to marry her, and Gerard knew everything was about to change.



"We're cool, Gee," Frank said, rejoining the tour after spending three days with Jamia to celebrate their engagement. "I talked to Jamia."

"You—what? Why?"

Frank shrugged. "I needed to know it was cool with her, with us, and it is. She gets it, Gee, she really does. She understands it and she gives her blessing and shit."

"Frankie…" Gerard felt his stomach sinking.

"Relax, okay?" Frank laughed. "You worry too much. Just trust me. Everything is cool."

Everything is going to be cool when you're cheating on your wife with me? Gerard didn't say it, though.

He wasn't quite sure how Frank being married made things different; it wasn't like they all hadn't known all this time that Frank would marry her eventually. Now that there were rings involved and dates being looked at, suddenly everything was different.

Gerard loved Frank. He wasn't in love with him; he wasn't about to make some grand declaration and try to outdo Jamia. He loved him, loved everything about him, and was connected to him in ways far more lasting than blood, sex, or marriage licenses. He wanted the best for Frank; he deserved it and more. He deserved everything.

Jamia was everything. She was sweet and kind and beautiful, funny and stubborn and wild. Everything she was complemented Frank in every way. They would be so happy together; Gerard knew it. They would have kids and dogs and a family. They would have a life together.

There was no place in that life for a sex-dependent friend. Gerard didn't belong there; he didn't want to be there. It didn't feel right to him. Frank belonged to Jamia and Jamia belonged to Frank. There simply wasn't a place for Gerard there, and he both accepted and agreed with that.

It was time to face withdrawal again.



Gerard didn't need Frank as often as he had when they started, but the knowledge that he couldn't have him made him need him more.

He was frustrated and bitchy, short-tempered and unfocused, and these shortcomings just made him more frustrated and angry. Frank noticed, as usual, like he had a satellite under Gerard's skin, but Gerard brushed off his offers.

Strangely, Gerard felt better by rejecting Frank's offers; he felt stronger, more in control. It felt good.

He still felt pretty shitty at times; his blood and thoughts still raced. Sometimes, he thought about seeing a doctor, but that would only lead to pills. No matter how helpful those pills would be, they were still a drug, and drugs lead to addiction. Gerard resigned himself to the fact that this was his new reality.



"Gerard, what are you doing?" Frank's tone was exasperated. "You're going crazy; just let me help."

"No." Gerard sat in the back lounge of the bus, tapping random beats on his thighs, each hand beating a separate rhythm. His ears were ringing and his thoughts were racing so fast, it was hard to breathe. Frank had always been there to stop things before they got his bad.

"Jamia is fine with this. I'm fine with this. Just let me help you."

Gerard needed, so badly, and Frank was right there, completely willing but— "I'm not fine with this."

"Gerard—"

"No, Frank." Denying Frank had cleared his head a tiny bit. He got up and took Frank's face in his hands, meeting his eyes assuredly. "I don't want it to be like this anymore. It doesn't feel right anymore. We're done with this." He kissed Frank, mouth warm and soft. "I'm going for a walk."

He grabbed his jacket as he left the bus and wandered aimlessly through the venue.

His thoughts kept tripping over themselves, and he clenched his jaw. Maybe it was always going to be this way now. Without Frank to give him a break, maybe the rushing would just build up until he exploded—or went insane.

He rubbed at his temples, tried to breathe, and listed off superheroes in order of their worldwide release date.

Without realizing it, he had arrived at the venue stage where Mindless Self Indulgence was running a soundcheck. Lyn-Z was in a backbend when she saw him watching her, and she smiled brilliantly at him, dark eyes lighting up in her pale face. Gerard smiled back.

Just like that, his mind went completely blank, except for one thought. 

I'm going to marry her. 



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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
dannistrange
Aug. 5th, 2011 04:00 pm (UTC)
Hi. I'm usually just a lurker of this community but I just thought you should know that THIS WAS SO FUCKING GREAT! wow. Just wow. Good job.
gwencarmichael
Aug. 5th, 2011 09:46 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much! That means the world to me :D
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )