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I Feel Like A Stupid Teenage Boy

Title: I Feel Like A Stupid Teenage Boy
Author: GwenCarmichael
Pairing: Frank/Mikey
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2982
mcr_bingo prompt: Pairing—Frank/Mikey
Disclaimer: In the words of Gru from Despicable Me… "Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental."
Summary: Frank's falls in love with Mikey but knows he can never tell him.   
Author's Note:  Halfpennymcr asked for a sequel to Stupid Teenage Girl so...

Prequel
I Feel Like A Stupid Teenage Boy

Frank was fucked. 

Not literally, thank God. It wasn't that he didn't want to be—every part of him wanted to be—but if he was literally fucked, that would make this mess even messier. Literally and figuratively. 

Since Mikey had opened up to him two months before about how lonely he was, Frank had made him his special project, going out of his way to spend time with Mikey. They'd go out for coffee, lunch, late night sugar fixes. They'd gone to malls, tourist attractions, movies, comic books stores. They'd even gone together when Frank got a new tattoo. 

And over the course of it all, through all the pranks, heart to hearts, and laughs, Frank had done the unthinkable. 

He'd fallen in love with Mikey. It was a lose-lose situation all around. The best thing for him to do was keep his mouth shut. Pine over Mikey in secret, silently jerk off to thoughts of him, keep being the best friend Mikey needed. 

The second option had two outcomes, both shitty. 

If he told Mikey, there was a strong chance Mikey would reject him. He probably wouldn't be too harsh about it—Mikey was never intentionally cruel—but rejections was still rejection. Then things would be awkward between them, no matter how much they denied it. 

On the slim possibility that Mikey wanted him, Frank would be killed. Gerard would kill him for fucking his brother; Brian would kill him for fucking up the band. Bob and Ray… Frank wasn't sure how they'd react, but he was pretty sure it wouldn't be with wolf whistles and high fives. 

It was official. Frank Iero was completely and totally fucked. 


Frank lay awake in his bunk, staring at the bunk just a few inches above his head. The bus was quiet; the sounds of the road mixed with Gerard's snuffling sleep sounds and Ray's snores. Bob and Mikey slept silently, and Frank… Frank didn't really sleep anymore. Sometimes he'd get lucky, and a show would be so draining that he'd be ready to collapse by the time they got back to the bus. Usually, though…

Usually he'd lie in bed for hours, wishing he could stop thinking about Mikey even though he knew he never could. 


"What's up, Frank?" Gerard settled next to him on the bus couch, cup of coffee in both hands. 

Frank glanced over and shrugged, not really watching the black and white B movie he'd put in to distract him from the sounds of Mikey, Ray, and Bob gaming in the back of the bus. He attempted nonchalance and a smooth half-grin. "Nothing. What's up with you, G Way?"

Gerard rolled his eyes and took a long sip of his coffee. "Are you okay? Something wrong?"

Frank's mask began to slip. "What? No, I'm great."

Gerard clearly saw through his transparent pretense. "C'mon, Frank. You don’t have to lie, not to me."

"I'm cool, Gee. I'm good."

"You don't have to be so strong that you can't let me in. I'm not going to think you're any less of a man or something." Gerard sighed. "I know you're not sleeping. You're tired all the time and withdrawn and so still. It's completely unlike you, Frank. I know there's something wrong. I want to help or at least listen. You can talk to me, Frankie. Nothing you could say could make me love you any less than I do."

For a moment, Frank felt the walls in his eyes go down. This hurt, it hurt so much… but he couldn't. If he told Gerard, then everything was over. The band, his friendships, his life…

"I can't, Gee," he whispered. "I can't."

To his credit, Gerard didn't push him or storm off; he set down his coffee, pulled Frank to his chest, and held him tightly. 


Things didn't get any better. Mikey still need him to be his best friend, and he couldn't deny him that just because it broke Frank's heart to be around him. 

They went out together in almost every city, it seemed: coffee shops, stores, city streets. 

And Frank spent hour after hour hanging off Mikey's every word, memorizing his laugh, the different tones of his voice, the way he said certain words. 

He found himself watching Mikey closer than ever, starting at his slender fingers, the fall of his bangs, the different shades in his eyes. 

Mikey had quirks. He was gangly, unsure of himself at time, quiet. Slow to smile, slow to anger. Feeling so deeply that I consumed him at times. 

Frank not only loved each and every one of Mikey's quirks but loved Mikey himself even more because of them. 

He just couldn't ever have him. 


"Spill, Frank." Mikey sucked the straw of his soda, drawing Frank's eyes to his lips for a moment. They were sitting in a mall food court, Mikey's new pair of jeans in a bag at his feet. 

"What?"  Shit

"C'mon, Frank. We hang out all the time, just the two of us. Did you think I wouldn't notice something was wrong?"

The knowledge that Mikey thought about him didn't have time to make Frank tingle pleasantly. All he could think was that he had to fight hard and fast before everything came tumbling down around him. Frank shrugged. "Maybe I'm getting sick."

"What's going on, Frankie?"

Frank just shook his head. 

"I don't think I've ever seen you this quiet, not even when you're dying of your latest disease. What's going on?"

Frank shook his head desperately, not trusting himself to speak. 

"Frank…"

"I can't, Mikey Way," he whispered. "I can't."

Mikey just looked at him with the saddest eyes Frank had ever seen and made him want to die. 


Frank was so miserable that all he wanted to do with the rest of his life was lie in his bunk and cry, clutching his pillow to muffle the sound. He wanted Mikey so badly that it hurt, physically, mentally, emotionally… He was in agony. It was incurable and insufferable, something he was going to have to bear in his heart for the rest of his life with no chance of relief or release. 

It was his own fault. He was on top of the world; he was in a killer band, made killer jams, had killer fans. He was changing lives, saving lives, changing the world for kids everywhere. He was living his dream; he had everything he'd ever wanted. 

But it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. 

He wanted Mikey. No, he needed Mikey. He needed to get this off his chest; he needed things to go back to the way they were before, when he could still spend an afternoon with Mikey without wanting to cry, when he could be around Gerard without the guilt making him nauseous. 

He didn't want to play anymore. His heart just wasn't in it, not the way it should have been, not the way he demanded that it be. He wasn't the crazy little cyclone monster on stage, destroying sets and attacking his bandmates. He spent his days lying listlessly, listening to his iPod when he could stand the music, watching the world fly by in a blur outside the window. It just didn't matter anymore. 

This was unacceptable. He was throwing his life away. So he couldn't have Mikey. Big deal. He'd lived twenty-six years of his life without Mikey Way loving him like that; he could most certainly live the rest. The past five years had been great—no, they'd been fucking amazing. He wouldn't allow himself to let down the fans, let down the band, let down himself because he couldn't get himself together. So he was going to get over Mikey. He was. It was just that simple. 


It was not that simple. 

He roomed with Mikey at the hotel the very next night. It wasn't by choice; it was just a random occurrence that was terribly timed. 

Mikey was lying on his bed, across the room, and Frank couldn't help but stare. He was sprawled out on his stomach reading a comic book, and Frank laid on his own bed, mesmerized by the dip of the small of Mikey's back, the swell of his ass. Oh, God. He buried his face in his pillow, wondering if he could smother himself to death like this. 

"Frankie? What's going on?" Mikey asked, watching him with his eyebrows drawn together in confusion. 

For a moment, Frank strongly considered just lying there and ignoring him. Or maybe smothering himself harder. Both were tempting…
But he rolled onto his side and looked at Mikey. "I have to tell you something."

Immediately, Mikey tossed the magazine onto the floor and sat up on his side of the bed, giving Frank his full attention. Frank had never been so conscious of the space between them, so conscious of his own body and his awkward movements. 

"I have to tell you something," he repeated. 

Mikey waited patiently, but when no further information seemed forthcoming, he gently prodded, "What, Frankie? What is it?"

"I… You… Since you told me…" He took a deep breath. "I love you, Mikey."

Mikey watched him with level eyes. Nothing ever took Mikey by surprise, and if it did, he never showed it. Then, slowly, he said, "Yes. I know that. I love you, too. I've told you that a hundred times; so have you."

Frank shook his head quickly. "No, Mikey. Not like that. It's more than that. I'm in love with you, Mikey.

"And I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't; I know it's going to ruin the band. It's stupid; I'm stupid. I feel like a stupid teenage boy who falls hopelessly in love with his best friend who he can never have. And I'm sorry to do this to you. I'm so sorry, Mikey. I'm so stupid; I can't believe I—"

"You're not stupid, Frankie." Had they had this conversation before? It seemed strangely familiar, just with the roles reversed. "You don't have to be sorry for anything." Mikey was quiet again before he softly said, "Really, Frankie? You're in love with me."

"Yes. Oh, God, yes." And it all came spilling out then. It seemed that once he started, he couldn't stop, and it just felt so good to say it finally. "You're so beautiful, Mikey. You're funny. You're level-headed and honest and loyal. You're so fucking smart; you get me, you get me so good. And I think about you all the time; I can't stop thinking about you no matter how hard I try. I just want you so much."

Mikey's eyes were wide and there was a light in them that Frank couldn't identify. He waited… and waited… but Mikey didn't say anything else. 

"Mikey?" he whispered. "Mikey? Please say something."

"I… I love you, too."

Then it was Frank's turn to gape silently. "You… what?"

"I love you, Frank. I have forever… since you joined the band, maybe? I don't know, really… But these last two months, when you've been doing so much with me, since we've spent so much time together… God, Frank, you're just so perfect. Do you know that? Do you know how crazy and funny and smart and beautiful and cheesy you are? Do you know how much I love you because you care so damn much?"

"Mikey…" Could this really be happening? Was Mikey really saying he loved him, too? That he wasn't alone in this?

"Can I… Can I kiss you, Frankie?"

Frank just nodded, scrambling to sit against the headboard as Mikey crossed the room, eased onto the bed, and then pressed his mouth to Frank's. 

Oh, God. This was what dying felt like. Or maybe living for the first time? Mikey's lips were soft and moist against his, warm and firm, and Frank just wanted this to last forever. He made a noise of complaint when Mikey pulled back, and Mikey gave him a little smile. 

"Shh…" he whispered, moving closer, straddling Frank's thighs and threading his fingers in Frank's dark hair before ducking closer to kiss him again. 

There was tongue this time, Mikey's tongue gently sliding across Frank's lips and into his mouth to move against his own. Frank gave a desperate little whimper and clutched at Mikey's back, never wanting him to leave. 

When they finally broke apart for a breath, Frank whispered, "Sleep in my bed tonight?"

Mikey gave him another little smile. "I'm not that kind of boy, Frankie."

Frankie's heart sank. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not the kind of boy who puts out that fast."

Frank grinned. "Yeah? What kind of boy are you?"

Mikey moved to Frank's side, curling up against his chest and tangling their fingers together. "The kind of boy who wants to watch lame movies with you and kick your butt at video games. The kind of boy who wants to be able to bring you home to his family. The kind of boy who wants to be able to kiss you whenever he wants." 

Frank swallowed. "I can be that boy for you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." 

"Good. Cuz I want you to be." He pressed his cheek against Frank's chest, happier than he could ever remember being.


Mikey was gone when Frank woke up the next morning, but there was a text on Frank's phone, which was lying on the pillow beside him.  'Out with G. C u on bus.'

Frank fell back against the pillow, not even caring that he was grinning like a lovesick idiot. He was such a stupid teenager. 


The high took a nose-dive pretty quickly, unfortunately, the feeling in his stomach going from giddy to guilty in just a couple seconds. He avoided the rest of the band members as they got on the bus, sure that they knew, even though there was no way they could. And wasn't it just his luck that Brian had chosen this week to spend on tour with them?

He hung out with Mikey for a bit, playing video games and fooling around, but kept glancing at the door, sure Bob was going to break it down at any moment and beat Frank to a pulp. Mikey laughed it off, soundly kicked Frank's ass at their game, kissed him quickly, and left to go catch up with Brian. 

As for Frank? He hid in his bunk like a teenage coward hiding from his boyfriend's brother and family… which he was. 


It didn't last. Gerard cornered him after the show, taking his arm and leading him outside the venue where they could be alone. The night air was cool, but Frank was still burning up, guilt and fear and a feeling that the end was near overwhelming him. 

And then Gerard hugged him.  Hugged him. 

What? 

"I'm so happy for you, Frankie." Gerard's little kid smile was wide and honest, and Frank blinked at him. 

"Umm… You… How?"

Gerard shrugged, like it was obvious. "Mikey told me, this morning. We tell each other everything, duh."

Oh, right. "Oh. So… you're not mad?"

"Mad? Of course I'm not mad. I'm so happy for the two of you!" Then he got suspicious. "Why would I be mad, Frankie?"

Frank scuffed his shoe at the asphalt. "Cuz I'm with your brother," he mumbled. "Like, together, with him."

Gerard laughed. "Yeah, I know that. What, did you think I was going to kill you?"

Frank shrugged. "I certainly didn't expect this."

"You're waiting for the older brother speech?"

Frank shrugged again. "I guess, yeah."

Gerard just laughed. "I'm shit at that. Mikey's always been the one looking out for me; I don't think I ever had to threaten anyone he ever wanted. I'm not gonna bite you, Frankie. Jesus. I haven't been this happy in… in a long time. Just as long as you don't get hurt—either of you. You're my brother, Frank. I want you both to be happy, and if you can both be happy, together, well… then I'm happy."

Gerard smiled at him and suddenly got an armful of Frank as Frank launched himself at him, wrapping his arms around Gerard, squeezing him tightly, and kissing the side of his head. "Thank you, Gee. Thank you so fucking much." 


He had the Ways on his side; that was what gave him the courage to get on the bus and do what he did next. 

Everyone was in the living area already when he and Gerard got back, and Frank made a beeline for Mikey, plopped down beside him, and took his hand in his. "Mikey and I are together." 

Mikey smiled, looking a little surprised but entirely pleased. Gerard already knew, so his reaction was still that giddy smile from before. Frank anxiously watched Bob, Ray, and Brian, whose faces weren't really any different. 

"Umm… guys? Me and Mikey? Together? Boyfriends? You know?"

Ray laughed. "You thought we'd hate you?"

Frank looked uncertain. "Umm… yes?"

"We could never hate you, Frankie."

"But… what about the band?"

Bob shrugged. "You're not planning to leave, are you?"

He shook his head quickly. 

"Just don't get hurt—either of you. That's all we care about."

Ray nodded fervently, hair bouncing slightly. 

"Brian?"

Brian grinned at him. "I'm just happy you're the clean one on this bus. I shudder to think what it would be like if this was Gerard… I don't want to find anything on any of my bus attacks with the Febreeze bottle. You keep your shit together and out of my line of sight." 

Frank grinned. For a moment, he considered telling them all that he and Mikey were taking this slow… and then decided not to. This was no one's business but his and Mikey's. 

As Mikey leaned closer, forcing Frank to drape an arm around him and pull him closer still, Frank had never felt so happy.

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Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
enimsaj_2
Jun. 27th, 2011 05:50 am (UTC)
i'm having to force myself to hold in a happy squeal because my cousin is trying to sleep right next to me. =D this is both adorable and awesome. i love this soo much, you have no idea... i'm all melty now. lol. =DDD
gwencarmichael
Jun. 27th, 2011 03:11 pm (UTC)
Yay! Thank you :D
halfpennymcr
Jun. 27th, 2011 07:40 pm (UTC)
WOW!!!!! This is so amazing! I know you are a great writer, but thus just proved to me how great of a writer you really are. I love this so much, and I thought it was clever how the title of this one connected with the tittle of your first one. I like your writing style, and I jut think you are so creative. One of my favorite lines was the one you wrote about dying or confusing it with living for the first time. I was so surprised and blown away when I saw this, but I was excited, too. I also like the part when Frank said his 26 years of life, but used a different letter in the middle of six. I thought that was clever because it made him seem like he had so much success in relationships, but he couldn't get the one person he's ever felt like he really needed. Thank you so much for this.
P.S. I think you heard this many times before, but you are definitely one of my face writers.
halfpennymcr
Jun. 27th, 2011 07:43 pm (UTC)
If there are mistakes in my comment above, please just ignore them. I meant whatever I said, whether I spelled it wrong or not. I really appreciated this, and I thank you one more time for it.
halfpennymcr
Jun. 27th, 2011 07:50 pm (UTC)
I know I'm annoying, and I know my comments aren't as in-depth as they should be, but there are problems at home and it's a wonder I'm even getting to do this right now! I'll tell you everything I liked about this story when things clear up, though you probably wouldn't want to hear it and will have other people commenting on the same things I wanted to comment on by the time I get another chance. The only things I have to say about this story are good things.
gwencarmichael
Jun. 27th, 2011 10:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. I particularly liked the title, too... I felt totally brilliant when I thought of it, lol.

I'm glad you liked the dying vs living for the first time line! I did, too! :)

Yay! Frank always just seems so comfortable and confident, so I thought it was fitting for him to feel like he couldn't get one specific person that he really needed to get :)

And no worries about late comments or how in-depth they are; your comments are great! I'm sorry things are rough at home :( but I do look forward to even more comments from you! :)

Thanks baby, glad you liked this! <3
lizibabes
Jun. 27th, 2011 10:43 pm (UTC)
This was so incredibly cute!!! :D
gwencarmichael
Jun. 28th, 2011 12:05 am (UTC)
Yay! Thanks :)
x_ratedxromance
Jun. 27th, 2011 10:54 pm (UTC)
I love this. Definitely can not wait to read more. :)
gwencarmichael
Jun. 28th, 2011 12:05 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
halfpennymcr
Jul. 4th, 2011 08:45 pm (UTC)
I can FINALLY show you my undying love for this story! I guess part of my first comment didn't make sense because I thought I saw twenty-si(e)x but without the i, so just never mind that part of the comment. Anyways, I just couldn't help but smile at the Gerard parts because I always enjoy reading about how people think Gerard is as a brother, whether he is over protective or if Mikey does more of what an older brother is supposed to do than Gerard does. In your first story I thought that you made Gerard the best older brother in the world, but didn't notice that Mikey was having problems because he might have just been happy with his own life, but in this story you made Mikey seem like more of an older brother. I liked this contrast very much. The other thing is Frank. I like how you showed different sides of him between the two stories. In the first one, Frank seemed so confident and caring and sweet. He still sort of seems like that in this one, but its less apparent because he seems more afraid of his friends not accepting him and Mikey and even more afraid that Mikey wouldn't love him back. I really do love this story and the way you portray the Frank, Mikey, and Gerard. .
gwencarmichael
Jul. 4th, 2011 09:16 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the contrasting between the stories. In the first one, Mikey was feeling terribly alone and just felt invisible to the world. In this one, Frank almost feels over-visible, as if everyone can see everything he's not ready for them to see. I agree; I love seeing how people choose to portray Gerard! Glad you liked it! :)
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )