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Supernova For You

Title: Supernova For You
Author: GwenCarmichael
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon, Ryan/Pete
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 7695
Disclaimer: In the words of Gru from Despicable Me… "Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental."
Summary: Ryan would do anything to make Brendon happy. Anything.
Author's Note: Pete Wentz is not the complete dick I've made him out to be in this story, and if he is, I don't want to know.     

Supernova For You

Brendon was still such a little boy, Ryan thought, with his big eyes, long hair, and easy grin. He was so innocent, so hopeful, so excited… He wanted this so much, and Ryan couldn't deny him anything. 

So when Pete Wentz had his doubts about signing them, saying that they were young and inexperienced, Ryan went to change his mind. 

Two hours into their discussion, most of which was filled with Ryan's heated promises and Pete's casual rejection, they were no closer to a record deal than they had been the day before. 

"What will it take, Pete?" Ryan asked, leaning forward on Pete's couch. "What do I have to do for you to sign us?"

Finally, he had caught Pete's attention, and Pete leaned forward as well. "Will you blow me? And then let me fuck you?"

Ryan's heart sped up and his stomach dropped. Hadn't he expected this? Wasn't this what it meant to be willing to do anything for Brendon?
Brendon. That's was this was all about. To make Brendon happy, Pete could do whatever he wanted to him. 

"Okay," he said softly, trying to appear calm. 

Pete smirked, leaning back in his armchair. "Right here, right now."

Ryan nervously licked over his bottom lip, suddenly aware of how dry his mouth was. "Okay."

As he watched, Pete stood up, tugged his hoodie and t-shirt over his head, kicked off his shoes, and stripped out of his pants. Completely naked and watching Ryan with a smirk, he sat back down and spread his legs in clear invitation. "Well? What are you waiting for?"

Hesitantly, Ryan stood up and took a step forward. 

"Clothes off." The taunting smirk was permanently etched on his face. 

Ryan swallowed.  Brendon, he reminded himself.  You're doing this to make him happy. Just think of Brendon.  When he stood before Pete, completely naked, he had never felt so self-conscious, so uncomfortable in his own body. 

"Well?" Pete jerked his head. "Get over here."

Ryan moved slowly, settling on his knees between Pete's legs, purposely not touching him, and staring at his dick with wide eyes. 

Pete pushed his fingers into Ryan's hair, tugging him forward, forcing him to brace his palms on Pete's thighs before he ended up facedown in Pete's crotch… which was pretty inevitable.  

"Have you ever done this before?" Pete's voice was taunting, incredulous, and Ryan shook his head. "You've never blown a dude?" Ryan shook his head, but Pete tightened his fingers in his hair. "I want to hear you."

"No," Ryan whispered.

"You've never been fucked before?"


"You've never had anything in your ass before? Not even fingers? Not even your own fingers?"

Ryan blushed, and his voice was barely audible. "No."

"No what?"

Ryan took a breath. "No, I've never had anything in my ass."

Pete's grin was dark and hungry. "Don't worry; I'm gonna change that." And with that, he firmly guided Ryan's head down, pushing into the wet heat of his mouth. 

Brendon, Brendon, Brendon, Ryan thought, trying to ignore the taste of Pete's dick in his mouth, the feel of it on his tongue. 

Not knowing what to do, he licked at the head, keeping his eyes shut tight as Pete laughed at him. He sucked gently, trying to keep as much of Pete's dick out of his mouth as possible. 

And then Pete's dick was gone.  What? That was it?

Pete's taunting grin was back. "Suck your fingers."

Confused, Ryan did what Pete said. 

"Now stick them in your ass."

Ryan's eyes grew wide, and he froze as Pete laughed.

"You gotta open yourself up for my cock, baby."

Ryan swallowed. He couldn't do this. It was bad enough he was going to let Pete fuck him. Was he really going to… while Pete watched?

"C'mon, baby. I've got plans for tonight. Stick 'em in."

Trying to breathe evenly and trembling, Ryan spread his knees a little and reached back to slide a finger between his cheeks and press it against his hole. Pushing in, just a little, actually felt comfortable…

"C'mon, baby, I'm a hell of a lot bigger than your fingertip." Pete reached down and pushed Ryan's finger all the way in. Ryan gasped, giving out a little whimper when Pete gave another push before letting go and sitting back. "Finger yourself, baby. I'm watching."

Ryan bit his lip in concentration, wiggling the finger and making faces at the intrusion.

Pete laughed at him, like watching him struggle awkwardly was the funniest thing he had ever seen. This only made Ryan blush harder and stumble even more. 

"Keep going." Pete guided Ryan's mouth onto his cock again. "I said, keep going."

Ryan couldn't do it. He had no idea how to give a blowjob or finger himself open, and he couldn't attempt both at the same time. 

"Fine." Pete's hand found its way back into Ryan's hair. "I'll take care of this end. You keep fingering yourself." He pushed in deep, making Ryan gag, and laughed. 

Fighting to breathe, Ryan kept pumping the finger in and out of his ass, whimpering when he added a second. The sound made Pete groan. 

Brendon, Brendon, Brendon.

Suddenly, Pete pushed him aside, and he barely got his fingers free of his ass in time to break his fall. Pete slid off the couch and came up behind him. 

"Hands on the couch."

Ryan obeyed. "Condom?"

Pete snorted. "I'm clean, and we know you are." Like Ryan not being a whore like Pete was something to be embarrassed of. 

Before fear had time to swamp Ryan, Pete guided his dick to his hole and bottomed out in one hard push. 

Ryan cried out, gripping the couch as tears came to his eyes. God, it felt like someone had rammed a bus up his ass; he felt like he was going to rip apart. 

Pete's voice came rough at his ear. "Popped your cherry."

Ryan whimpered as Pete pulled out, beginning to cry silently as Pete shoved deep inside him again and again. 

Brendon's laugh. Brendon's eyes. Brendon's smile.  That's why he was doing this, and he repeated it over and over, picturing Brendon in his mind, sweet, beautiful Brendon. 

With a shout, Pete slumped over Ryan's back as he pulsed deep inside him, taking only a moment before pulling out. Ryan collapsed but moved quickly to take all pressure off his throbbing ass. Feeling wetness on the inside of his thigh, he looked down to see Pete's come trickling out of his ass.  Oh, God…

Pete panted a laugh. "Don't worry, baby. I can get it up again. I want to see you ride me."

When Ryan finally got back to his band, he found Brendon waiting up for him. He couldn't stop the tears that welled up when he saw Brendon's sweet face and staggered over to collapse against him. 

Sweet Brendon, perfect Brendon, didn't ask questions, just held him tightly to his chest as he cried, rocking him back and forth. 

This was why he'd done it, for Brendon, because Brendon deserved the world and everything and anything that made him happy. Brendon was worth everything Ryan had given up and more. 

Ryan never talked about what had happened, never told anyone what he did for Brendon and the band. 

When Pete signed them to Decaydance, they threw themselves into the studio to record their debut album. Every time Ryan hear Brendon sing, watched him play, or saw him smile, he knew he'd done right for Brendon. 

Pete never brought it up, never looked at him differently, just acted like it had never happened. But it had happened, and Ryan would never forget it. 

"Do you know what gay sex is like?"

Ryan and Brendon were sharing a bed in a hotel room while on their first tour. 

Ryan tensed and then turned to look at Brendon, lying next to him on the hotel room bed, who flicked his eyes away from the ceiling and towards him for a moment. 

"Are you trying to tell me something, Bren?"

Brendon grinned. "No. Not really. I'm just curious, I guess."


Brendon rolled onto his side, looking him in the face. "Do you know what it's like?"

Ryan rolled onto his back to avoid Brendon's eyes. "Yeah."

"Really?" Brendon's excitement was just like a little kid's. "What's it like?"

"It hurts."

Brendon's face fell, and Ryan backpedaled. He didn't want to scare Brendon or make him think gay sex couldn't be good. 

"You have to lube up properly, really get yourself open and ready. And go slow at first. Give yourself time to adjust. Like, really focus on what's making you both feel good, you know?"

Brendon nodded, fascinated. 

"Make sure you can really trust the guy," Ryan continued, thinking back. "Make sure it's someone who won't laugh at you or make fun of you, no matter what. You're so vulnerable like that… Make sure he loves you."

"No specifics?"

Ryan shrugged. "I don't really know. I just… it's really important that you love the person you're with, that you really want to be doing it. I think you don't need technical stuff then, that it'll be good no matter what happens."

Brendon was quiet, and Ryan was sure this wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"How many times have you done it, with a guy?"

"Twice. With same guy."

"Oh. I haven't ever. With a guy."

Ryan smiled. "I know." He met Brendon's eyes. "Don't rush, okay?"

"Okay, Ryan." Brendon curled against his side, placing one hand on Ryan's chest, and fell asleep. 

"I think Pete would be good. Don't you think so, Ryan?"

Ryan glanced over at Brendon, the two of them watching a movie in the bus lounge area. Well, Ryan had been, at least. It seemed that Brendon was thinking of something else. 

"Good for what?"


Ryan almost choked on air. "Oh, no. No, no, no."

Brendon's eyebrows came together. "Why not? He says he's gay above the belt, but I doubt he spend an entire summer just kissing Mikey Way. And what about Patrick?"

"I don't know, Bren. He just… kinda seems like he'd be a dick in bed. And he's kind of a whore. Who knows where he's been?"

Brendon made a face. "But he likes me. He told me I was cute the other day and grabbed my ass. And he's funny and hot and…"

Oh, no. Fuck, no. "No, Brendon. Just trust me on this. You don't want to get involved with that. Let Patrick and Ashlee fight over him, okay?"

He waited until Brendon nodded. "Okay, Ryan."

"You deserve better than him, Brendon. So much better."

Brendon smiled and turned back to the movie, and after a minute, so did Ryan. 

"Leave Brendon alone, Pete."

Pete cocked an eyebrow. "This is why I cancelled my plans? Because you want to tell me what to do with the bands I sign? With this empty bus to ourselves, I thought you could've come up with something more fun."

A thrill of fear raced through him, but Ryan forced himself to hold his ground—for Brendon. "Brendon's not interested."

Pete made a doubtful sound. "I beg to differ. You didn't hear the sound he made when I smacked that fine ass of his. Do you think he likes to be roughed up? Can't you imagine him over my knee, begging me to spank him, then crying out as I hold him down and pound into his tight red—"

"Stop! Stay away from him, Pete."


"Aren't Patrick and Ashlee enough?"

Pete snorted. "Ashlee's a bitch. Kinky, but a bitch. And Trick… okay, Trick is my favorite fuck. He talks too much, but he's so eager to do anything to make me happy, to let me do anything to him…"

Ryan shuddered.

"Besides, your little Brendon's never been touched, and I have a… fondness for V-cards. But you already know that." He smirked. 

Ryan bristled. "You already have mine. You don't need—"

"You make it sound like I have a collection! I guess I do. Let's see… there's you, of course. Trick. Mikey Way. Gabe—"

"I don't want to hear your list of conquests! Just don't touch Brendon."

Pete considered him for a moment. "Make it worth my while, and I won't."

"What… what do you want?"

"What do you think I want, baby?"

Ryan shuddered. 

"It's you or baby Brendon," Pete said lightly, as if he didn't care one way or another. "Your choice."

"Me," Ryan whispered immediately. "Take me."

Pete grinned. "Get your pants off. And get on your back."

Ryan hesitated, wondering which bed was Pete's. 

Pete laughed. "On the floor."

Blushing, Ryan took of his pants and laid down, watching as Pete pulled out his dick and stroked it. 

"What? You don't need to prep anymore?"

"I… I—" Ryan stammered.

Dropping down, Pete pushed Ryan's knees apart, exposing his hole, and thrust in two fingers without hesitation. Ryan whimpered, and Pete laughed at him. "You prepped before coming over? You knew where you wanted this to go." He wiggled his fingers around, watching Ryan squirm uncomfortably. "Either you suck at prep or you haven't been fucked since me." He pulled out his fingers, replacing them with the head of his cock. "I'm going to bet both." He shoved in hard, balls deep in one slide, laughing as Ryan cried out. 

Pete lifted Ryan's legs over his shoulders and pushed in hard, covering Ryan's face with one hand and forcing it to the side. He leaned in close and teased, "Just so you know… I was never going to fuck Brendon. He's not my type, and he seems like he'd be shit in bed. You're a shitty lay, too, but you take it so fucking good and you just keep coming back for more." He pushed in and out, hard and rough. 

Even thoughts of Brendon couldn't stop the tears that ran down Ryan's face or block out the sound of Pete laughing at him. 

Everyone on the bus was asleep when he got back, and he crept into his bed to cry alone. It wasn't too long before a sleepy-eyed Brendon crawled in with him, gently spooning him and holding him tightly as he fell asleep. 

"Can I talk to you?"

Ryan was in his bunk writing lyrics, but he would never have told Brendon no, especially not now when he was bouncing anxiously. He scooted over as Brendon crawled in, tucking his notebook into a cubby. "What's up?"

Brendon met his eyes, watching carefully. "I like boys."

Ryan waited but that seemed to be it. "Okay."

"'Okay?' That's it?"

Ryan raised his eyebrows. "Umm… It's not exactly news, Bren. We've talked about this before."

"Before was hypothetical."

"And now…?"

"Now I'm sure. I wanted to tell you first."

Ryan smiled. "I'm glad you did."

Brendon smiled back. "Me, too. What was it like when you came out?"

"I… I never…"

"You never came out?" Brendon's voice was stunned. 

Ryan shook his head. "I'm not exactly…"

"You don't like boys?"

Ryan shrugged. "I don't… I never thought about it."

Brendon's eyes widened. "You had sex with guys without—"

"Guy," Ryan clarified quickly. "One guy. Three times in my entire life."

"Three times? You told me it was only twice."

Ryan looked away. "It... it happened again since we talked." He glanced at Brendon. "Besides, being gay has nothing to do with sex."

"Who said anything about being gay?"

"But… you just…"

"I said I like boys, Ryan. I like some girls, too."


"And I am very aware that it has nothing to do with sex."

Ryan just looked at him.

"Can I tell you something?"

"You can tell me anything, Bren."

"I've never had sex with a guy. I'm a virgin." He didn't look embarrassed by that fact; rather, he looked a pleased and a little proud. 

"You are?"

Brendon nodded. "You told me to be sure. So I'm waiting." 

Ryan couldn't help the smile that spread across his face, and he looked at Brendon, really looked at him, and was surprised to see that the little boy he'd thought Brendon would always be had grown into a man. A beautiful, sweet, funny, confident man who was a hell of a lot smarter than Ryan was. 

"What?" Brendon asked, aware of Ryan's staring. 

"I like boys, too."

"But you just said…"

"I thought about it."

"That was pretty fast, Ry."

"I've been thinking about it for a long time; I just didn't realize."

Brendon grinned at him. "Doesn't it feel good to say it out loud?"

Ryan nodded. 

"Say it again."

"I like boys." Brendon's smile was infectious, and soon Ryan was smiling back at him. 

Brendon kind of attached himself to Ryan's hip after that. It didn't matter what Ryan was doing; Brendon would happily sit beside him as if it was the best place in the world. Ryan certainly didn't complain. Whatever made Brendon happy made him happy. 

Brendon lay beside him in Ryan's bunk, staring up at the next bunk as Ryan lay on his belly scrawling lyrics. This had become quite the regular thing for them, but this time was different. Usually, Brendon gave off this satisfied happy vibe but today… Today something was on his mind. Ryan waited for him to say something, but when he never did, Ryan tucked away his lyrics and turned onto his back. 

"What's up, Bren?"

Brendon didn't say anything for a minute, then softly asked, "Do you think I'm pretty?"

Ryan smiled. "Yes."

"I think, you're pretty, too. You're beautiful." Brendon's voice was fast and filled with awe, and he propped himself on one arm so he could look at Ryan while he spoke. "You have such beautiful eyes. And your hair is so soft; I want to touch it all the time. I love your voice. I could listen to you read phone books, and I'd never get bored. You're so smart and kind and wonderful and… and I don't think there's anything I don't like about you."

Ryan smiled, his entire body feeling a pleasant warm glow. He wasn't entirely sure what they were doing, but he could totally get behind it.
"I think you're beautiful, too, Bren. You have the most beautiful eyes and smile and laugh. You're the sweetest person I know, and you care so much. You're so much smarter than I am. You're so perfect." Huh. What kind of declarations were they making, exactly?

Brendon looked down at him, this strange desperation in his eyes, and whispered, "I think you're perfect, too." And then he ducked his head, lips gently touching Ryan's, hesitant at the possibility of rejection but too far in to stop. 

There was no chance of Ryan rejecting him, not now that he felt the same need, and he kissed him back, threading fingers into Brendon's hair to try to hold him there as their lips moved gently against each others. 

When he needed to breathe, Brendon pulled back, gave Ryan one more gentle kiss, and lay back down beside him, starting up at the next bunk as he tried to catch his breath. "I've wanted to do that for a long time." 

Ryan couldn't help the stupid grin that broke over his face at hearing Brendon say those words. "I'm really really glad you did."

A dorky grin filled Brendon's face as well. "I've never kissed a guy before."


"I wanted it to be you."

Pride flooded through Ryan, and then he realized… "You were my first, too."

Brendon's eyebrows came together. "But… you've had sex before."

Ryan shrugged uncomfortably. "My history isn't exactly… normal. It's not what it should have been; it's not something you should ever compare to."

From the look on Brendon's face, he wanted to ask more, but instead, he curled against Ryan's side, and Ryan wrapped an arm around him, holding him close. 

The kissing became a pretty regular thing. Chaste gentle kisses in passing, deep probing kisses alone, long languid hours spent kissing in the bunks. In the midst of the chaos of tour, the quiet time shared between the two of them brought everything together. 

They lay in Ryan's bed, kissing slowly, having all the time in the world. Brendon was half sprawled on top of Ryan when he pulled back.

Ryan smiled slowly, still loving the way Brendon said his name. "Yeah?"

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

Ryan's smile widened. "I thought that's what we were doing."

Brendon shrugged. "Not officially."

"You just don't want any of the fans hitting on me."

Brendon met Ryan's eyes. "I just want to be yours."

An ocean of warmth flooded through Ryan's body at the words, and he shivered pleasurably. Brendon seemed pleased at his power over Ryan and bent to kiss him again. 

For a while, things were great. There were dates; there were make out sessions. Ryan and Brendon got to know each other in ways they never knew possible, learned things they'd never thought existed. 

Through it all, however, Ryan was always holding something back, always hiding something. He was protecting Brendon from the ugly truth of his past, protecting himself from the shame he felt. 

As things moved forward, as sex became a viable next step, Ryan began to pull farther and farther away. 

Ryan could have kicked himself in the balls when he saw Brendon's hurt face after Ryan rolled off him and lay beside him to cool off. He had turned Brendon down again. He was going to hate him soon and Ryan wouldn't be able to blame him. Who wanted to offer themselves up for rejection again and again? He certainly didn't, and he would never want that for Ryan. 

God, he was a horrible person. 

He walked in on Brendon jerking off one day, and instead of talking to him about it, instead of helping him out, he ran… but not fast enough that he didn't see the hurt that slapped across Brendon's young face. 

"Ryan? Can we talk?" Brendon's voice was quiet, almost hesitant. His body was still, possibly more so than Ryan had ever seen him. He'd been lying quietly beside Ryan for almost an hour, barely touching him, not initiating anything even though they had the hotel room to themselves. He was wearing a plain hoodie over a t-shirt and sleep pants, looking as young and innocent as ever, and it gripped Ryan's heart. 

"Always, Bren." 

"Did I… did I do something?" Brendon's voice was full of uncertainty and self-doubt. "Something wrong?" 

"No, Brendon." Ryan was firm on this. "You could never do anything wrong."

"Then why…?" Brendon's eyes were wide and confused, searching Ryan for answers even if it hurt him to hear them. "I've been waiting for you. I wanted this to be with you. And I thought you wanted that, too. But now… you don't want me. Is there something wrong with me? Is it that I don't have experience, that I don't know what I'm doing? Is it the ADHD? Is it the way I look or the way I act or that I can't stay still or that I can't shut up? Is it me? Ryan?"

Ryan had closed his eyes, his heart breaking. God knew he had never wanted this, never wanted sweet, beautiful Brendon to doubt for a moment that he was the most special and treasured thing in Ryan's life. He was hurting Brendon so much…

"Ryan? Please talk to me. Don't shut me out. Just tell me what it is, I'll—"

"Brendon, you are so perfect." Ryan finally opened tear filled eyes to look at Brendon, to look into the hurting eyes of the man he loved more than anything in the entire world. He turned onto this side a little, letting Brendon see all of his face and looking back at everything he loved. "You're everything I could ever need, everything I could ever want, and so much more. You're so much more than I deserve, and you deserve so much more than me. You're so beautiful and so innocent, so clean and wonderful, and there isn't anything I don't love about you. I love that you haven't been passing yourself around; I love that you waited for me. You have no idea how much I love that you saved yourself for me, God, Bren… I love the way you look, the way you talk, the way you act. I love the way you can't be still; I love the way you say whatever's on your mind, so honest and open about everything. I love you, so much, so fucking much, Brendon." He closed his eyes again, letting warm tears slip free and slide down his face. 

Brendon's fingers came up, gently tracing the tears on his face, softly, almost reverently, like Ryan was something precious. "Why, Ryan? Why don't you want me?"

Ryan shook his head, hard. "I want you, Bren. I want you so much. You have no idea… you don't know… the thoughts I have, the way I feel when I'm around you. The way you look at me, the things you say to me… I just want, so much. I want you, Brendon. I do." 

"Then… why?"

Ryan let a few more tears slip out, knowing that this was the end. He had to tell Brendon; he had to. There was no way around it. He couldn't keep secrets from Brendon; he had every right to know. He couldn't let Brendon doubt that he was the most important thing to Ryan, ever; he couldn't let Brendon think he was anything less than sweet beautiful perfection. 

"I have to tell you something," he whispered. 

Brendon didn't say anything, just waited quietly with his big brown eyes watching Ryan's every move. 

Taking a moment to wipe at his eyes, Ryan sat up against the headboard, drawing up his knees and crossing his ankles, feeling more vulnerable than he ever had in his entire life. This was Brendon, Brendon looking at him with those eyes, waiting for him… Brendon, who had been the reason for every decision Ryan had ever made.  Brendon

"I let Pete Wentz fuck me."

Brendon's eyes widened, certainly never having expected to hear that come out of Ryan's mouth unless it was some form of weird punch line to a joke that only Ryan understood. 


Ryan shook his head. "Please, Bren. Just let me get it all out and then you can say everything you want to." 

Brendon just nodded. 

Ryan took a deep breath. "I let Pete Wentz fuck me, back when we were trying to get the record deal. Pete wasn't feeling it, wasn't feeling us, but you wanted it so bad and I just wanted to make you happy, so that night I went over to talk to him… I talked for hours, I made so many promises and told him everything we were capable of, and he still didn't want us. I asked what he needed to sign us, and he said he wanted me to… he wanted me to blow him and then let him fuck me. And I did. 

"God, it hurt so much; it was so horrible. I was just so naked in front of him, so unsure, so uncomfortable, and he laughed at me. He fucking laughed at me the whole time, made me feel so stupid and worthless and so insecure. I made myself so fucking vulnerable, completely opened myself up to his scrutiny, and he just laughed." 

Brendon had a right to know every uncomfortable detail, every horrible part of Ryan's story, just how ashamed Ryan was, what Pete had made him, so Ryan told him everything and didn't hold back. 

"I blew him, and it was horrible. I had no idea what I was doing, and he just kept laughing. And then… then he made me… he made me finger myself while he watched, while he fucked my face. And then he fucked me, raw and rough. When it was over, when he was done laughing, he made me ride him. 

"I thought of you the whole time. How perfect you are, how you deserve everything in the world, how sweet and wonderful and beautiful you are. I just wanted you to be happy; I had to do everything I could to get that for you.

"And when I came back that night, fucked to pieces and so hurt and humiliated, you held me, just held me while I cried, like I wasn't some disgusting piece of shit."

He sniffed hard and wrapped his arms tighter around his knees, squeezing himself into a tighter ball. 

"That was the only time I'd ever been with a guy, the first and only time, and it was horrible. You asked me what gay sex was like, and all I could think about was how horrible Pete had made me feel, like I was stupid and worthless and pathetic, and I never ever wanted you to feel that way. 

"And then… then you talked about sex with Pete. I couldn't let him do that to you, and I told him so. He said to make it worth his while… He took me so hard and so deep and so rough… And then he told me that he was never going to fuck you in the first place, that I was just a game. I threw myself around for nothing, because I'm a stupid fuck who just lets Pete rip me apart from the inside out because I don't know how else to get him to listen to me." 

The tears were falling freely, and he couldn't stop the way his shoulders heaved. "I'm so sorry, Brendon. I'm so sorry. You deserve someone who isn't fucked up; you deserve someone who hasn't thrown himself around and let himself be ripped apart until he's not sure where the pieces are. I'm so scared to have sex with you, scared I'll get hurt again, scared I'll hurt you like Pete hurt me, even though I would never ever try to hurt you. But what if I did? I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you, and I have anyway, and I'm just so sorry. I'm so sorry!" 

He let himself fall apart then, hunching in on himself and sobbing. Brendon just stared at him, wide-eyed with shock and horror and hurt, and then he wrapped his arms around Ryan, pulling him against his chest and running a hand through his hair comfortingly as he rocked him.
A long time later, when Ryan finally got himself under control after several failed attempts, he pulled back. 

"Go ahead." His voice was hoarse, raw and rough from crying. "You can say it now." 

"Say what?"

"How disgusting I am. How you're ashamed of me. How you don't want to know me, much less be with me." 

Brendon shook his head hard, hair getting in his eyes. "No, Ry. Never. You will never disgust me. I will never be ashamed of you. I'll never wish I didn't know you. I'll never not want you, Ryan." He kissed Ryan's forehead slowly, lips lingering. "I love you, Ryan. All of you. I can't believe you did that for me… I'm so sorry you thought you had to. As long as I have you with me, I don't need record deals, I don't need to be protected from Pete or the world; I just need you. You're so brave and so strong; I could never do what you've done. I'm not strong enough." He took Ryan's hand, holding it firmly but gently on the bed between them. "I don't want to hurt you, Ry, not ever. I've waited for you this long; I will wait for you for forever. If that's what it takes, I will spend the rest of my life waiting for you, holding you when you're hurting, loving you every minute of every day. I love all of you, Ryan. No exceptions; no doubts. Just me and you and more love than I've ever felt for anyone. I want to wait for you, Ryan, and I would wait for you forever." 

Unable to do anything else, Ryan threw himself at Brendon, clinging to him as he cried and kissed him. 

Things got better after that. 

They still kissed and touched, still made out for hours so hot and heavy that Ryan had to go jerk off or risk explosion. Brendon still took them both to the edge but didn't push to go farther. He still treated Ryan like was the most important thing in the world. He was gentle with him—not like Ryan would break, not like Ryan needed to be coddled, but like Brendon wanted to take care of him—and that meant all the difference in the world to Ryan. 

"Hey, Bren?"

Brendon pulled back, breathing hard. "Yeah?"

"You wanna rub off on each other?"

The grin that broke across Brendon's face was so beautiful that Ryan immediately felt more confident. 

"Pants on or off?"

The uncertainty was back. "Oh..."

Brendon shook his head like it didn't matter, making the decision for him. "On, this time."

He crawled on top of Ryan, knowing it made him feel more comfortable to let Brendon take control. Lining up their hips, he sank down into jean covered friction, both of them moaning. 

The make out was sloppy, open gasping mouths with too much spit as they rolled their hips together, but it just felt so good

Feeling suddenly brave, Ryan pushed Brendon's hips and rolled them over, lying on top of him with a groan, tangling their legs together for a better angle, and pumping his hips. 

"Oh, God, Ryan," Brendon moaned, tossing his head back. "I'm so close. Please, Ryan…" With a strangled cry, he came, shaking hard and falling back on the bed. 

Ryan shifted so he was humping Brendon's thigh instead of his oversensitive cock, and Brendon lay still beneath him, watching him quietly. 

Ryan's face screwed up, hips moving furiously, breathing hard. Brendon watched as he came silently, mouth dropping open as his face smoothed out. 

Brendon smiled as they lay side by side, a little gross below the belt but not willing to get up just yet. "That was amazing, Ryan. That was so good for me. How was it for you?"  'Are you okay?' was the silent question.

Ryan smiled. "So good, Bren. So good." He kissed him, mouth open but soft and sweet, and Brendon couldn't help but sink into him. 

Rubbing off without pants came a little later, followed—a bit more hesitantly on Ryan's part—by hand jobs. 

There came a time when Brendon was dying to suck Ryan off and was killing himself trying not to bring it up too soon. 

"Ryan," he gasped into his mouth. "Can I suck you? Please? I want to, so bad." 

Ryan swallowed. AS hard as Ryan's words made him, he was still hesitant and unsure. "I… umm… I don't know if I can…"

"Please, Ryan? Let me suck you. You don't have to do it back if you decide you can't; I don't mind. Please, Ryan." 

Ryan just nodded, staring as Brendon slid his pants off and began mouthing his cock. Ryan arched up without meaning to; Brendon just felt so good

Not really knowing what to do but wanting to so bad, Brendon licked across the tip of Ryan's cock before gently sucking the head into his mouth. 

Ryan groaned, fisting the sheets and trying to keep his hips down, fighting the urge to push deeper into Brendon's mouth. 

Brendon fisted what he couldn't fit into his mouth, sucking enthusiastically, not letting it stop him when he pushed too far and gagged himself.
Ryan was a mess beneath him, groaning and fighting the urge to come right then. 

Brendon pulled off, breathing hard, and gently kissed Ryan's belly. "You can come in my mouth, if you want." And then he went down on him again. 

Just hearing Brendon say those words pushed Ryan to the edge, and he pushed Brendon back a bit, not off, just back so he wouldn't completely choke him when he came. 

Brendon gagged and sputtered a little, but he recovered fast, licking Ryan clean and wiping his mouth before smiling up at him. 

Ryan hesitated as they slowly switched places, aware of how eager Brendon was. Sliding Brendon's pants down, staring at his cock, hard from sucking Ryan off… Ryan froze, feeling like he was drowning as fear and intimidation washed over him. 


Ryan shook his head. "I can't, Bren. I can't. I'm sorry."

Brendon couldn't hide the disappointment in his eyes or his voice. "Oh. Okay. You can just jerk me off, if you want. I mean, if that's okay."

"I'm sorry, Bren," Ryan whispered, burying his face against Brendon's belly to hide his tears as he wrapped his hand around him. 

Two days later, after a soundcheck, Ryan pushed Brendon into a makeup room and locked the door behind him. Brendon grinned; he always loved it when Ryan took control. An impromptu make out session sounded pretty fantastic just then. 

And it was. Ryan's mouth was firm against his with only a touch of hesitancy making Brendon wonder what was on his mind. Long probing kisses, the touch of Ryan's nimble fingers running all over his skin. He was shaking and breathing hard when he finally pulled away to gasp for air. 

Ryan slid to his knees and buried his face in Brendon's crotch, making him buck uncontrollably. 

"Fuck… Ry? Ryan?" 

Ryan nuzzled him through his pants. "I want to, Bren. I want to blow you so much."

Brendon shook his head. "No, no. You said you weren't ready. You said—"

"Fuck what I said. I'm your boyfriend; I should be able to give you what you want whenever you want me to." 

"Ry, no… You don't have to do this now. You don't have to." 

"Yes, I do." 

Quick fingers pulled open Brendon's belt, undid his jeans, and bared his cock to Ryan's face. 

Ryan looked at it for a moment, trying to calm his breathing.  This is Brendon, he told himself fiercely.  This isn't Pete. He won't hurt you; he won't laugh at you, ever. Brendon loves you. He loves you. 

He wrapped his lips around Brendon's cock before he could chicken out, sucking gently as Brendon thumped his head back against the wall with a groan. "Fuck, Ry…"

Taking that as encouragement, Ryan pushed down a little farther, licking at Brendon's cock, sucking it in his mouth. 

Brendon was never quiet, and in this moment, Ryan had never loved it more. Every sound Brendon made was praise and encouragement, telling Ryan just how good he was doing, how good he was making Brendon feel. Ryan had never felt so powerful, so good

"Fuck, fuck, Ry… Fuck, I love you." 

Ryan humming his appreciation made Brendon buck up slightly and made beautiful sounds spill out of his mouth. Ryan reached up for Brendon's hand and put it to his hair, desperately needed Brendon to touch him then. Brendon slid his fingers into Ryan's long hair, not pulling or directing him in anyway, just a firm comforting presence that made Ryan moan. 

"Ry… Ry, I'm going to… I'm so close; I'm going to…"

Ryan pulled back a little bit as Brendon tensed up and came in his mouth. He licked Brendon through it and carefully pulled his pants back up, taking his time putting the belt back in place so he could calm down. Brendon pulled him up and kissed him gently. 

Ryan wrapped his arms around Brendon, burying his face in his shoulder and holding him tight. "Thank you, Bren. Thank you so much. I love you." 

Brendon hugged him back. "I love you, too, Ry. That was… you made me feel so good." 

Ryan nodded into his shoulder. "Me, too. I felt so good… I feel so good, Bren. Thank you." 

Brendon reached down between them, feeing how hard Ryan was against him, but Ryan shook his head. 

"Let me hold you, for just a minute. Please?" 

Brendon nodded, and they sunk to the floor together, wrapping around each other in a warm pile of long limbs. 

"I love you so much, Brendon," Ryan whispered, pressing a kiss to his temple. "Thank you for being so perfect." 

Brendon moved to kiss his mouth. "I love you, too, Ryan. Forever." 

"We've almost fixed everything Pete did to you, hmm?" Brendon murmured as he and Ryan lay wrapped together against the headboard of their hotel room, watching a movie. 

Ryan stiffened just the smallest amount and nodded. "Almost." 

"Only thing left is for you to be inside me?" 

Ryan started a bit. "You… you want me to…?"

Brendon smiled at him. "Of course I want you to." 

"Oh." Ryan blinked. "Oh." 

Brendon smiled. "You don't really like being on the bottom, do you?"

Ryan hesitated, then shrugged, muttering, "I don't really know." 

"Well, I know I do." 

"You… How? How do you know?"

Brendon laughed. "I like having my fingers in there." 

"You… oh." Ryan was pretty much at a loss for words, which was a pretty rare thing. 

"I mean, we can try it both ways, sometime, if you want. I just…"

"What?" Ryan turned his full attention to Brendon, hearing the change in his voice. "You what?"

Brendon took a breath and then met Ryan's gaze. "I don't want you to fuck me to get over Pete." 

Ryan's eyes widened. "No, Bren… I would never…"

"I don't mean like a rebound, or something. I know you love me." 

Ryan was amazed with just how comfortable Brendon was when he said that; when he even thought about Brendon loving him, he was awestruck and speechless. 

"I mean, I want you to want to do it. I don't want you to feel like you have to do it to be a good boyfriend or because you're trying to prove you can. I just want us to want it."

"I… okay." 



Brendon smiled his beautiful smile at Ryan. "Good." 

Ryan went to talk to Pete on their next day off. He didn't tell Brendon, just told him he had something he had to do that day. Brendon was put out; he had hoped they could spend the day together. However, he trusted Ryan, and when Ryan said he had to do something and that he'd make it up to him later, he kissed him goodbye and went to go hang out with Spencer. 

"I don't belong to you." Those were the first words out of Ryan's mouth as soon as Pete let him into his house, and God, they felt good to say. "I'm not yours. I'm not your toy or your plaything. I'm not Patrick; I'm not so in love with you that I'll let you treat me like shit just so you won't leave me. I'm not Ashlee; we can't treat each other like shit and then fuck like rabbits anyway. I'm not yours."

Pete laughed, and as much as Ryan hated hearing the sound, it wasn't quite as painful as he remembered it being, didn't have as much power over him. "I wouldn't want you to be my Patrick or Ashlee, hell no." 

Ryan shrugged. "I won't be your Gabe or Mikey or William. I'm not just some thing you can fuck whenever it pleases you; I'm not yours to play with. It doesn't matter that I never meant anything to you, that fucking me was just a game to you.  I'm not yours." 

"Yeah?" Pete challenged. "Whose are you, Ryan? Who?"

"I'm mine," he said firmly. "I always have been. And now I'm Brendon's." 

"Brendon?" Pete laughed. "That kid is the reason you're here? Trying to 'cut ties' or whatever so he doesn't get mad, so he doesn't find out?"

"He already knows." 

"So he found out what a sick fuck you are, Ryan baby? Huh?"

"I told him. And he loves me still. It doesn't change anything."

"Like fuck it doesn't!" 

"It doesn't." Ryan pushed past him to the door. "I belong to Brendon now. And I never belonged to you. Goodbye, Pete." 

"I talked to Pete," Ryan said softly, running his fingers through Brendon's hair as they lay in bed together the next night. 

"Yeah?" Brendon's eyes widened. "What happened?"

Ryan shrugged. "I told him I never belonged to him, and that I'm not his to play with anymore. I belong to you now." 

Brendon smiled happily, proud and pleased. 

"I feel so much better," Ryan sighed. "It's like this huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I've been letting Pete hold me back all this time, but now… now I'm free to be yours, completely yours, with nothing to hold me back." 

Brendon's grin spread across his face even farther. "I'm so happy, Ryan."

"You know what? Me, too." 

Ryan bent to kiss him, and when he pulled back, Brendon whispered, "Make love to me?" 

Ryan smiled at him and kissed him again as an answer. 

Without Pete holding him back, he didn't have to be afraid of Brendon or afraid of himself. He was completely comfortable in his skin, free to be cocky motherfucker Ryan Ross… just without the mother fucking, of course. The only person he ever wanted to be fucking was Brendon… and maybe letting Brendon fuck him, too. He loved Brendon and trusted him completely, trusted him enough to let him fuck him, if he ever wanted to. 

After, they came down together in a warm tangle of limbs. 

"I love you so much, Ryan," Brendon whispered, kissing his jaw. 

Ryan smiled. "I love you, too. Thank you for waiting for me." 

"You're worth waiting for, Ryan." 

"So are you." 

Brendon smiled again, a small happy smile filled with love. "I love you," he said again, not knowing what else to say and not sure he could ever say it enough. 

"I love you, too, Brendon Urie. Forever." 


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 7th, 2011 07:58 pm (UTC)
Poor Ryan!! So glade it all ended up being ok. Loved him and Bendon together they were so sweet. well done this was great :)
Jul. 7th, 2011 08:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! :)
Jul. 8th, 2011 03:27 pm (UTC)
ugh, Pete is such an asshole here. :\ but ugh Brendon & Ryan. <3 so perfect. lovelovelove this. :')
Jul. 8th, 2011 05:32 pm (UTC)
I know! I really hope he's not like that in real life... Thanks very much! :D
Jul. 11th, 2011 01:28 pm (UTC)
wow, it's such a good fic, it's so true to life, ouch.

Thanks for sharing it!
Jul. 11th, 2011 05:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! :)
Jul. 18th, 2011 02:48 am (UTC)
i don't know what else to say except for I really really loved this!
It was really beautiful :)
Jul. 18th, 2011 09:51 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! That means so much to me! :D
Oct. 31st, 2011 10:54 pm (UTC)
Oh, I couldn't just leave it without any comments. This is a beautiful fic, one of my favourite pairings. Thank you so much for it.
Besides, I discovered a new vision of peterick, which is one of my favourite pairings, too. =)
Nov. 1st, 2011 02:38 am (UTC)
I'm so glad you liked it! Thank you :)
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )